The Brag of the SubGenius. MP3 Audio, 5 minutes 25 seconds, 5MB. Read by Mike Gogulski aka Rabbi Guano Infusion, KSC (deceased).

–a fragment. Transcribed from a cassette tape recording made at a seance in 1973.

The Book of SubGenius -- Buy now!

“I PICK THE GOD DAMN terror of the fucking gods out of my NOSE! Pardon my language. But YEEEEEHAW, let the sons of God and man bear witness! Even in the belly of the Thunderbird I’ve been casting out the False Prophets; I’m busting a gut and blowing my O-ring, and ripe to throw a LOAF! For I speak ONLY the fucking TRUTH, and never in my days have I spoke other than! For my every utterance is a lie, including this very one you hear! I say, “Fuck’em if they can’t take a joke!” By God, “Anything for a laugh,” I say. I am the last remaining Homo Correctus, I am the god damn Man of the Future! I’ll drive a mile so as not to walk a foot; I am a human being of the FIRST god damn water! Yes, I’m the javalina humping junkie that jumped the Men from Mars! I drank the DEVIL under seven tables, I am too INTENSE to die, I’m insured for acts o’ God AND Satan! I was shanghaied by bodiless fiends and alien jews from a corporate galaxy, and got away with their hubcaps! I CANNOT be tracked on radar! I wear nothing uniform, I wear NO god damn uniform! Yes baby, I’m 23 feet tall and have 13 rows o’ teats; I was suckled by a triceratops, I gave the Anti-Virgin a high-proteine tonsil wash! I’m a bacteriological weapon, I’m ARMED and LOADED! I’m a fission reactor, I fart plutonium, power plants are fueled by the sweat from my brow; when they plug ME in, the lights go out in Hong Kong! I weigh 666 pounds in zero , COME AND GET ME! I’ve sired retarded space bastards across the Cosmos, I cook and EAT my dead; YAH-HOOOOO, I’m the Unshaven Thorn Tree of the Atlantis Zoo! I pay no taxes! The Devil’s hands are my IDEAL playground! I hold the Seven-Bladed Windbreaker; the wheels that turn are behind me; I think BACKWARDS! I do it for FUN! My imagination is a FUCKING cancer and I’ll pork it before it porks me! They say a godzillion is the highest number there is. Well, by God! I count to a godzillion and ONE! Yes, I’m the purple flower of Hell County, give me wide berth; when I drop my drawers, Mother Nature swoons! I use a python for a prophylactic; I’m THICKER, HARDER, and MEANER than the Alaskan Pipeline, and carry more spew! I’ll freeze YOUR seed before it hits the bathroom tile! YEE! YEEE! I kidnapped the future and ransomed it for the past, I made TIME wait up for me bleed my lizard! My infernal breath wilts the Tree of Life, I left my SPOOR on the Rock of Ages, WHO’LL TEAR FLESH WITH ME, WHO’LL SPILL THEIR JUICE? WHO’LL GOUGE WITH ME, WHOSE CANDLE WILL I FART OUT? WHOOP! I’M READY! So step aside, all you butt-lipped, neurotic, insecure bespectacled slabs o’ wimp meat! I’m a Crime Fighting Master Criminal, I am Not Insane! I’m a screamer and a laugher, I make a SPECTACLE of myself, I am a SIGHT! My physical type CANNOT be classified by science, my ‘familiar’ is a pterodactyl, I feed it dipshits!  I communicate without WIRES or STRINGS! I am a Thugee, I am feared in the Tongs, I have the Evil Eye, I carry the Mojo Bag; I swam the BERMUDA TRIANGLE and didn’t get wet! I circumcise dinosaurs with my teeth and make ‘em leave a tip; I change tires with my TONGUE and my TOOL! Every night I hock up a lunger and extinguish the SUN! I’m the big-footed devil of Level 14, who’ll come SHOE me? Where’s the robot giant who’ll try to blow me down? I’ve packed the brownies of the gods, I leak the Plague from my nether parts, opiates are the MASS of my religion, I TAKE DRUGS! Yes, I’m a rip-snorter, I cram coca leaves right into my arm-veins before they’re picked off the TREE! SPACE monsters cringe at my tread! I wipe the PYRAMIDS off my shoes before I enter MY house. I’m FUEL-INJECTED, I’ll live forever and remember it afterwards! I’m IMMUNE!  I’m RADIOACTIVE! Come ON and give me cancer, I’ll spit up the tumor and butter my BREAD with the juice! I’M SUPERNATURAL, I bend CROWBARS with my meat ax and a thought! My droppings bore through the earth and erupt VOLCANOES in CHINA! Yes, I can drink more wine and stay soberer than all the heathen HINDOOS in Asia! YEEEE HAW! GUT BLOWOUT! I am a MORAY EEL, I am a KOMODO DRAGON, I am a KILLER WHALE BEREFT OF IT’S PUP! I have a triple backbone, I was sired by the Wolf Man, give me ALL your Slack! I told JESUS I wouldn’t go to church and He SHOOK MY HAND! I have my OWN personal saviors, I change ‘em every hour, I don’t give a fuck if there’s life after death, I want to know if there’s even any fucking SLACK after death! I am a god damn VISIONARY, I see the future and the past in comic books and wine bottles; I eat BLACK HOLES for breakfast! I bend my genes and whittle at my DNA with the sheer force of my mighty WILL! I steer my OWN god damn evolution! I ran ‘em out of Heaven and sold it to Hell for a PROFIT! I’m enlightened, I achieved “Nirvana” and took it HOME with me. YIP, YIP, YEEEEEEEE! I’m so ugly the Speed of Light can’t slow me down and  won’t tug at my cuffs! When the Rapture comes, I’ll make ‘em wait!  They’ll NEVER clean MY cage! Now give me some more of…”

(Tape runs out.)

          -a fragment.  Transcribed from a cassette tape recording
          made at a seance in 1973.
  "I PICK THE GOD DAMN terror of the fucking gods out of my NOSE!  Pardon my
language.  But YEEEEEHAW, let the sons of God and man bear witness!  Even in
the belly of the Thunderbird I've been casting out the False Prophets;  I'm
busting a gut and blowing my O-ring, and ripe to throw a LOAF!  For I speak
ONLY the fucking TRUTH, and never in my days have I spoke other than!  For my
every utterance is a lie, including this very one you hear!  I say, "Fuck'em
if they can't take a joke!"  By God, "Anything for a laugh," I say.  I am the
last remaining Homo Correctus, I am the god damn Man of the Future!  I'll drive
a mile so as not to walk a foot; I am a human being of the FIRST god damn
water!  Yes, I'm the javalina humping junkie that jumped the Men from Mars!  I
drank the DEVIL under seven tables, I am too INTENSE to die, I'm insured for
acts o' God AND Satan!  I was shanghaied by bodiless fiends and alien jews from
a corporate galaxy, and got away with their hubcaps!  I CANNOT be tracked on
radar!  I wear nothing uniform, I wear NO god damn uniform!  Yes baby, I'm 23
feet tall and have 13 rows o' teats; I was suckled by a triceratops, I gave the
Anti-Virgin a high-protien tonsil wash!  I'm a bacteriological weapon, I'm
ARMED and LOADED!  I'm a fission reactor, I fart plutonium, power plants are
fueled by the sweat from my brow; when they plug ME in, the lights go out in
Hong Kong!  I weigh 666 pounds in zero gravity, COME AND GET ME!  I've sired
retarded space bastards across the Cosmos, I cook and EAT my dead; YAH-HOOOOO,
I'm the Unshaven Thorn Tree of the Atlantis Zoo!  I pay no taxes!  The Devil's
hands are my IDEAL playground!  I hold the Seven-Bladed Windbreaker; the wheels
that turn are behind me; I think BACKWARDS!  I do it for FUN!  My imagination
is a FUCKING cancer and I'll pork it before it porks me!  They say a godzillion
is the highest number there is.  Well, by God!  I count to a godzillion and
ONE!  Yes, I'm the purple flower of Hell County, give me wide berth; when I
drop my drawers, Mother Nature swoons!  I use a python for a prophylactic; I'm
THICKER, HARDER, and MEANER than the Alaskan Pipeline, and carry more spew!
I'll freeze YOUR seed before it hits the bathroom tile!  YEE!  YEEE!  I
kidnapped the future and ransomed it for the past, I made TIME wait up for me
bleed my lizard!  My infernal breath wilts the Tree of Life, I left my SPOOR on
the Rock of Ages, WHO'LL TEAR FLESH WITH ME, WHO'LL SPILL THEIR JUICE?  WHO'LL
GOUGE WITH ME, WHOSE CANDLE WILL I FART OUT?  WHOOP!  I'M READY!  So step
aside, all you butt-lipped, neurotic, insecure bespectacled slabs o' wimp meat!
I'm a Crime Fighting Master Criminal, I am Not Insane!  I'm a screamer and a
laugher, I make a SPECTACLE of myself, I am a SIGHT!  My physical type CANNOT
be classified by science, my 'familiar' is a pterodactyl, I feed it dipshits!
I communicate without WIRES or STRINGS!  I am a Thugee, I am feared in the
Tongs, I have the Evil Eye, I carry the Mojo Bag;  I swam the BERMUDA TRIANGLE
and didn't get wet!  I circumcise dinosaurs with my teeth and make 'em leave a
tip; I change tires with my TONGUE and my TOOL!  Every night I hock up a lunger
and extinguish the SUN!  I'm the big-footed devil of Level 14, who'll come SHOE
me?  Where's the robot giant who'll try to blow me down?  I've packed the
brownies of the gods, I leak the Plague from my nether parts, opiates are the
MASS of my religion, I TAKE DRUGS!  Yes, I'm a rip-snorter, I cram coca leaves
right into my arm-veins before they're picked off the TREE!  SPACE monsters
cringe at my tread!  I wipe the PYRAMIDS off my shoes before I enter MY house.
I'm FUEL-INJECTED, I'll live forever and remember it afterwards!  I'm IMMUNE!
I'm RADIOACTIVE!  Come ON and give me cancer, I'll spit up the tumor and butter
my BREAD with the juice!  I'M SUPERNATURAL, I bend CROWBARS with my meat ax and
a thought!  My droppings bore through the earth and erupt VOLCANOES in CHINA!
Yes, I can drink more wine and stay soberer than all the heathen HINDOOS in
Asia!  YEEEE HAW!  GUT BLOWOUT!  I am a MORAY EEL, I am a KOMODO DRAGON, I am a
KILLER WHALE BEREFT OF IT'S PUP!  I have a triple backbone, I was sired by the
Wolf Man, give me ALL your Slack!  I told JESUS I wouldn't go to church and He
SHOOK MY HAND!  I have my OWN personal saviors, I change 'em every hour, I
don't give a fuck if there's life after death, I want to know if there's even
any fucking SLACK after death!  I am a god damn VISIONARY, I see the future and
the past in comic books and wine bottles;  I eat BLACK HOLES for breakfast!  I
bend my genes and whittle at my DNA with the sheer force of my mighty WILL!  I
steer my OWN god damn evolution!  I ran 'em out of Heaven and sold it to Hell
for a PROFIT!  I'm enlightened, I achieved "Nirvana" and took it HOME with me.
YIP, YIP, YEEEEEEEE!  I'm so ugly the Speed of Light can't slow me down and
Gravity won't tug at my cuffs!  When the Rapture comes, I'll make 'em wait!
They'll NEVER clean MY cage!  Now give me some more of..."
                           (Tape runs out.)

What are we, German-speakers holding on to the old orthographic convention of capitalizing every noun? Monotheists who capitalize “God” or “Allah” while letting little-g inequality in for “the great god Zeus”?

Go anti-capitalist.

As Uncyclopedia says:

Capitalism is a philosophy of punctuation. Capitalists are people who believe that all words should be capitalized, no matter what the situation.

For instance, the sentence:

“This is a sentence.”

would be written this way by a capitalist:

“This Is MY Sentence.”

Decapitalize that bad boy in your writing; decapitalize it in your head; decapitalize it in your life. Or else.

smash the state!

Who can kill a general in his bed?
Overthrow dictators if they’re red?
Fucking-a man!
CIA Man!

Who can buy a government so cheap?
Change a cabinet without a squeak.
Fucking-a man!
CIA Man!

Who can train guerillas by the dozens?
Send them out to kill their untrained cousins?
Fucking-a man!
CIA Man!

Who can get a budget that’s so great?
Who will be the 51st state?
Who has got the secretest Service?
The one that makes the other service nervous?
Fucking-a man!
CIA Man!

Who can take the sugar from its sack,
Pour in LSD and put it back?
Fucking-a man!
CIA Man!

Who can mine the habas a’Nicaragua?
Out-hit all the hitmen of Chicagua.
Fucking-a man!
CIA Man!

Who can be so overtly covert?
Sometimes even covertly overt.
Fucking-a man!
CIA Man!

Who’s the agency well known to God?
The one that copped his staff and copped his rod?
Fucking-a man!
CIA Man!
Fucking-a man!
CIA Man!
Fucking-a man!
CIA Man!
CIA Man!
CIA Man!
CIA Man!
CIA Man!
CIA Man!
C
I
A

Would that such images reflected reality.

For every “revolutionary” decision handed down by Courts Supreme and by Tribunals Most High — which merely reflect and elucidate, rather than alter or discover, the fundamental nature of that which ought be justice — those same bodies deliver a torrent of support and endorsement for the present system and for that pile of unjust historical deadweight called “precedent” but which, in the words of Kevin Carson, might better be called “the subsidy of history”.

These august incarnations of unquestionable, unaccountable power are dressed up in the finest of robes, placed on the highest of perches and set above all other men, so that they may — to the half-blind, numbed, unthinking bulk of humanity — discover truth, lay blame where it belongs and issue a judgment most holy, and one which contributes positively to the betterment of humankind.

In reality these Holiests of Holies sit not in service of truth over falsehood but in service, rather, to whatever they can get away with to appease and gratify those who own and dominate not only the judges themselves but also the entire society which pretends to or actually does submit to their judgment. And they arrogate unto themselves the power to kill, not in the service of law or truth or virtue, but to the service of those who employ them, as tools, and do so as they have for generation after generation, century after century. The power to kill, on a whim. The power to kill, especially, when a litigant’s ideas threaten the very basis of their own unaccountable, comfortable, profitable and entirely traditional, family-values-right-down-to-that-time-my-gangster-uncle-murdered-a-hobo-who-dirtied-his-shoe-and-ain’t-that-just-the-way-it-is-and-by-god-we-gotta-get-together-and-protect-ourselves foundational power ethic, their perception of and re(ta)l(i)ation to reality.

The statist dreams that the judges will be the best of society in that they are selected and trained by the best of society’s methods. But when the judgement over what those methods ought to be and how those (s)elections ought be carried out is left up to a bunch of people who are highly skilled only in becoming elected officials and playing the statist system to the maximum advantage — rather than to those who must all directly pay the costs and suffer the problems of the system but yet remain able to change it quickly and directly since they are part of it — well, what do you expect? They do not serve truth or justice or virtue over all other things. When they serve those concepts at all, they do so only if — and, often, because — our masters have agreed to stop trying to kill us if we disagree.

In fact, any kind of teleology applied to human history is, by definition, a denial of human agency. If our ultimate fate is predestined by an omnipotent God, then nothing we do in this life can make any difference. If a patriarchal society is the inevitable product of the evolution of the human brain, then any kind of feminist activism is a fruitless endeavour against nature [...]. If the inevitable end of history is all societies becoming representative democracies and members of a global free market, then no one is responsible for that state of affairs except some abstract force of historical inevitability, and any attempt to make the course of history run otherwise is hopeless. If the inevitable course of any political society is from feudalism through industrial capitalism and a proletarian revolution to socialism, then likewise. Teleology is the enemy of liberty.

As the examination draws to a close, “God” asks the final question:

“Final question. It’s a tough one, especially for a clergyman, and it counts double, so you get three tries. What is the greatest enemy of truth?”

“Bob” concentrated. “Ah … the self?”

“Close.”

“Fear?”

“Closer.”

“Belief?”

“Still closer, but no Pipe.” “God” spoke into the intercom. “Horus, could You please page the next Anointed?”

“But wait a minute-” blurted “Bob.” “What’s the answer?”

“God” smiled at him sympathetically. “Consensus.”

– From The Real Story by Pope Michael Peppe, collected in Three-Fisted Tales of “Bob”

They have taken the hearts and minds of our leaders. They have recruited the rich and the powerful, and they have blinded us to the truth!

Our human spirit is corrupted. Why do we worship greed? Because, outside the limit of our sight, feeding off us, perched on top of us from birth to death, are our owners! Our owners! They have us! They control us! They are our masters!

Wake up! They’re all about you! All around you!

One ridiculous example of such is that of “Alberto the Penguin”, blogging at anarchistnews.org on “University Life and Oppression: what can we do?“:

Several oppressive forces weigh down on the average college student. The first which is financial cripples him for long into his adult years as he struggle to pay off loans. Then they feel the chains cast on them in everyday life as up to four police departments patrol their small campus area. The sirens become a part of every thought process. Next the administration (and even some professors) push students toward a “real” world in which the only worth while thing we have going for us is a decent job and our last global hope is the formation of a World Economy. Finally, even the recreation of a student’s life is controlled by countless mafias hiding under banners of Greek letters. Hierarchies are built upon hierarchies.

This is why it becomes extremely necessary to organize vital attacks on propaganda institutions every college campus over. But how can we go about organizing? Can we work within the system, maybe form a club? No! For what we are doing the highest amount of secrecy is necessary. I (as I’m sure others are) am in this position and would like to know what is the best way to organize in such a situation? I hope others will take the advice given as well and organize in their own towns.

The obvious answer is quit going to university, dummy, but that message somehow won’t be heard. Having signed up for the university program and everything that goes with it, there’s little in the way of “oppression” this person is subject to thereby that I, as perhaps a different sort of anarchist, should fret about. What some anarchists oppose is all authority. What I and the (I would like to think) more sensible anarchists oppose is all unjust, illegitimate, coercive authority. There’s a big difference between those two sets, and I must admit to have little patience for those of the “against all authority” mindset if they fail to add this important qualification.

With the confession right up front that I’ve never really read Bakunin, I stumbled upon this a little while ago:

Does it follow that I reject all authority? Far from me such a thought. In the matter of boots, I refer to the authority of the bootmaker; concerning houses, canals, or railroads, I consult that of the architect or the engineer. For such or such special knowledge I apply to such or such a savant. But I allow neither the bootmaker nor the architect nor the savant to impose his authority upon me. I listen to them freely and with all the respect merited by their intelligence, their character, their knowledge, reserving always my incontestable right of criticism and censure. I do not content myself with consulting a single authority in any special branch; I consult several; I compare their opinions, and choose that which seems to me the soundest. But I recognise no infallible authority, even in special questions; consequently, whatever respect I may have for the honesty and the sincerity of such or such an individual, I have no absolute faith in any person. Such a faith would be fatal to my reason, to my liberty, and even to the success of my undertakings; it would immediately transform me into a stupid slave, an instrument of the will and interests of others.

If I bow before the authority of the specialists and avow my readiness to follow, to a certain extent and as long as may seem to me necessary, their indications and even their directions, it is because their authority is imposed on me by no one, neither by men nor by God. Otherwise I would repel them with horror, and bid the devil take their counsels, their directions, and their services, certain that they would make me pay, by the loss of my liberty and self-respect, for such scraps of truth, wrapped in a multitude of lies, as they might give me.

I bow before the authority of special men because it is imposed on me by my own reason. I am conscious of my own inability to grasp, in all its detail, and positive development, any very large portion of human knowledge. The greatest intelligence would not be equal to a comprehension of the whole. Thence results, for science as well as for industry, the necessity of the division and association of labour. I receive and I give – such is human life. Each directs and is directed in his turn. Therefore there is no fixed and constant authority, but a continual exchange of mutual, temporary, and, above all, voluntary authority and subordination.

– Mikhail Bakunin, What is Authority?

The same goes for “hierarchy” as well. Your mileage may vary.

But it doesn’t matter. You don’t listen, and you go on voting. You’re not evil, you’re not stupid, you even have a bright vision of a better world. But you go on voting, thinking it just and hoping it might improve your pathetic lot.

Mock teh Vote - What the precise FUCK ELSE you gonna do?

What makes me sad is that you know better than this. If someone came to you in your private life and asked for that sort, that level, that amount, that quality of belief in their supposed prowess in directing monumental things of epochal import without a single piece of positive evidence to support their claims, you’d be like, “uh, hello, what the fuck, like why should I listen to some jackass like you who just fell off the turnip truck,” but OH NO! when they come dressed in President suits over the Television suddenly the same rules don’t apply. Apples really can be oranges, pigs really can fly, and maybe you’ll finally get that goddamned pony you begged for when you were seven years old.

Right. With that said, go read this. With all due respect. Now!

[O]ne of the crucial questions you need to ask yourself is, not what you are voting for compared to the alternatives, but, very simply: What are you voting for?

Voting for representative government is an act of violence. The only morally acceptable vote is one given to a referendum, and only when it is “no” to the expansion of government power or “yes” to its reduction.

Hundreds of years ago, bright people recognized that organizing society around a monarch with a “divine mandate” and hereditary succession was logically and morally unacceptable. The system we’ve inherited, democracy, changed nothing about the fundamental immorality of placing rulers above individuals, it merely altered the formula for stamping “legitimacy” upon them. Today, “democracy” is the God of politics, and voting its chief sacrament.

One day, I reckon, people will look back at this time and think, “gee, good on them for getting rid of the divine right of kings, but how silly they must have been to replace it with democracy!”

Mock teh vote!

Why not pop over, register, and do a bit of mocking of your own?